Orihime's Culinary Creations
by cg2006
Summary: Oi, bastards! It has a name you know, and it's Kon! And what the heck is this place? Because it is NOT Ichigo's room or the valley of a lovely maiden! CRACK. !torture the!ESPADA FIC. ONESHOT. HM spoilers. Everybody loves Kon! Excluding the Espada...


I've written more crack...I was attempting something else and I rambled in that story and somehow mentioned Inoue's culinary ...creations... and then I stopped and started this one cuz I liked the idea better. :3 enjoy, hopefully it's better than Inoue-san's ..."food"...aaand, this is also my _first_ espada fic. It probably sucks. Dude i don't even know all the espada's names. I'm on ep. 172 and they finished the hueco mundo part (for now?) and they haven't introduced all the espada yet. There's like...er...two...? only two i havent even seen yet except in the opening video? wow...

summary: Oi, bastards! It has a name you know, and it's Kon! And what the heck is this place? Because it is NOT Ichigo's room or the valley of a lovely maiden! CRACK. !torture the!ESPADA FIC. ONESHOT. Everybody loves Kon! Excluding the Espada... HM spoilers

**.:Orihime's Culinary Creations:.**

"O-O-OHHHHHH, Orihime-saa-a-an, why must your cooking be so sca-a-ary-y-yy? If they weren't then I would maa-a-arryyyy...YOOO-OU-UU-UUU!!" a little stuffed lion shouted at the top of his lungs with a cracked voice, standing on top of a long table that served as his platform.  
"Shut up!" snarled Grimmjow, pitching his tea cup at the animated plushy. It connected with his squashy face, got stuck in his mouth, and flew across the table into something hard and solid, but not the wall.

"Ugh," Ulquiorra grimaced, prying the lion off of him gingerly and flinging him down the table, where it bounced and flopped in front of Szayel, who leaned forward in his seat to peer at it.

"I believe it's a Modified Soul in pill form."

"It's a talking stuffed lion," Yami pointed out gruffly from the end of the table.

Szayel rolled his eyes and brushed pink strands of hair away from his face. "The pill is inside the lion, idiot."

Halibel glared at it over her high collar. "Whatever the hell it is. What is it doing here?" She stared at the Espada next to her at her left and the Espada at the other end of the table. "What are _you _doing here?"

Aaroniero and Grimmjow glanced at each other and shrugged. They were supposed to have been defeated by Rukia and Ichigo, respectively.

"We came back to life, 'cause everyone loves me," replied the sixth Espada with a wide grin, leaning back in his chair and tossing his head high.

"Conceited kitty," coughed Stark from next to Ulquiorra.

Grimmjow shot him a deadly look. "You say something, bitch?"

A clank interupted all activity at the Espada table.

"Oi, bastards!" shrieked the lion, kicking the cup that he'd finally gotten out of his mouth at Nnoitora's face that was conveniently in front of him. "'It' has a name you know, and it's Kon! And what the heck is this place? Because it is NOT Ichigo's room or the valley of a lovely maiden! UWAAAH!"

Nnoitora's thin dark brow twitched. His right hand held fast over the cup that had been kicked at his face, that was now upside down on the table (and moving) as it--Kon--struggled.

"Whoa," Yami gaped, "how'd you get it to fit in there?"

"MY NAME IS KON!" the trembling cup yelled loudly in a muffled voice.

"Aizen-sama gave us pretty big tea cups," the captor of Kon replied with a shrug.

"LET ME OUTTA HERE!!"

"Can I try?" asked the buff Espada.

Nnoitora grinned and slid the cup over. "Sure, but watch out, it'll probably run."

Yami lifted the rim off the table a centimeter and Kon squirmed out like a cockroach.

"Look here, you freaks!" he pointed a cloth triangle that was supposed to be a claw at them. "You better get me back to Ichigo's house NOW!"

Grimmjow looked up. "You with Ichigo?"

"Yeah, no duh, that's why I can kick your--" Ulquiorra's tea cup came flying at Kon's face next and he smashed into Aaroniero's glass...thing with a squeak, cup in mouth again.

"Ow...Rukia-nee-san...Orihime-chan..." he whimpered as he slid down the glass and landed in Aaroniero's lap.

"I don't ever want to hear Kuchiki's name again!" the Espada hissed before Kon was promptly flung to Ulquiorra and Grimmjow's end of the table.

Ulquiorra seemed to have had a thoughtful moment, though his facial expression didn't change the slightest, and said, "Now that I think of it, it did show up after they had left with Inoue Orihime."

"KON! KON KON KON!" He threw a mini-tantrum by stomping on the table, making (angry) squeaking noises. "GET IT RIGHT AND DON'T CALL ME 'IT,' YOU EMO CLOWN!"

Grimmjow slammed his fist onto the lion's head and pounded him flat to the tabletop. "You bitch! You can't call Ulquiorra that unless I thought of it first!"

"And you hadn't," said the fourth espada, slightly amused.

"Emo clown!"

"Dude, that has no effect now that I've already said it first," screamed Kon in a muffled voice again, because he was still squashed to the table.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Ahh," sighed Szayel, holding up a video camera with his elbow propped up on the table. It was pointed towards a certain someone and something. "This is precious. Grimmjow Jeagerjacques (sp...)--the sixth most powerful Espada-- arguing with a lion plushy."

Grimmjow snarled and hurled Kon at the filming Espada, who dodged and let it smack the Espada next to him in the face. In turn, he threw it at Aaroniero, who chucked it at Stark, who passed it to Ulquiorra, who flung it to Yami, who didn't catch it. Instead Ichimaru Gin, who was just passing by and dropped in when he heard a commotion in the meeting room, caught Kon (who was shrieking and flailing plushy limbs and spewing streams and streams of curses by then) in his hand, and then tossed it over the table back to Grimmjow.

"Dammit, you freaking pest, go back to your precious Ichigo!"

Kon was pitched through the Garganta and rolled around in vast empty nothingness before he saw the light. "I'm hooooome!" he sighed. " Nee-saaa--WAAAH!" He landed in something hot with a splash.

"Aaah!" shrieked Yuzu, who had been cooking miso soup for dinner. "Bostafu?!"

inoue and her cooking aren't hardly even in the story, or mentioned much, despite the title...isnt that funny?

espada: no. don't ever bring that thing back again.

what, Kon? aw. so i don't get to do a sequel if this turns out successful and gets like 20 reviews?

espada: correct.

grimmjow: NOW PISS OFF!

And then i will be cero-ed out of hueco mundo...fine. i didn't like it there anyway. b!tches...

did i mess up a lot of names? ugggh... i mean i'd go research it myself, but I dont have internet with me whenever I want, i have to borrow, and i'm just gonna type this now and never look at it again after wards. so it'll be incorrect maybe and forever always...but you could leave a review correcting me and i'll keep it in mind.


End file.
